Wishes and Dreams

Ever since I can remember I have thought I would be a mother. Those who know me, think that I am a mother to them and everyone. I know that I worry enough about those that I love for that to be true.

Bear with me, and this stilted little narrative...

I can't believe it, but I began babysitting when I was only 11. Just a few days, here and there. However that changed pretty quickly. Soon after, I had a part time job of watching a family of 3 children several times a week. I am amazed now, because I'm not sure if I've met a 12 year old who could deal with that much responsibility. And I don't know if I would trust them as much as I was trusted then! I watched Ross, Jean and Susan for almost 2 years - watching them grow, and missed them when I stopped watching them. I have many really great memories with them. I made snickerdoodles so often for those wonderful kids, I got sick of them, and haven't made them since! I haven't thought about those in years, but I may have to make a batch! Here is a link for a snickerdoodle recipe that looks about right.

Once I became old enough to work a "real" job, I didn't do any babysitting, but I still loved playing with all of the kids that I came in contact with. I would spoil them as rotten as I could! My friend Beth had a daughter, Jessica and she would bring her into my work so that I could play with her. She spent most of the time in my lap teething on a chunky necklace I wore at the time.

Around this time, my friend John and I went to a Metaphysical Fair they had in Seattle. I stopped at a booth that seemed interesting to me, where a woman would take your hands in hers and without speaking, concentrate for a few moments. Then she would draw a picture of what she learned from you. I was intrigued and wanted to see what she might have to say about me. So, I paid $35 (which was a lot for me at the time!) and she held my hand, then proceeded to draw a picture of a mother and child. John turned to me and said "Wow. I could've told you that!"

I didn't watch children again until after Patrick and I were married, and we had moved to Seoul. We were newly married, and broke as can be. At that time, it was difficult for spouses to find jobs on base because most of the jobs are held for foreign nationals in order to foster good relations with the host country. So, I started babysitting again. Soon I was working full-time for one of my husband's co-workers. I watched Shannon and Erin for about 6 months, and cried when they were transferred. I still can hear Erin's voice as I got out of the van as they were going to the airport "I go with you Jennifer..."

It was enough to break my heart.

Patrick and I started trying to get pregnant, soon after we moved to D.C. in 2000. When it didn't happen right away, we were disappointed, but we put on a happy face and went on with our lives. We kept thinking "If it's meant to be..."

And the years just kept flying by. We never wanted to do anything invasive, so we just kept trying. I was sad. Hell. I think some days/weeks/months I was crushed. We transferred to Italy, and nothing. We transferred to Norfolk, and nothing. He retired from the Navy, and we moved to St. Louis and nothing. We spent a lot of time trying not to talk about it, because talking about our lack of a family hurt too much.

Friends would have babies, and I would be happy for them, but there was always this niggling thought in my head "Why not me?"

There would be stories in the news about child abuse and neglect, and I would get so angry that someone who is blessed with a child could do such horrible things. I would think to myself "It's not fair."

Over the years, I have been lucky to have had the opportunity to play and love many of my friend's children. Unfortunately not as much as I would like, since I have been away from most for so long. I have spent a lot of time kicking myself for not being physically close to many of my friends, but I know it just couldn't be.

This past year, I was lucky to spend about 6 months being a nanny to a beautiful little girl, Melissa. I had so much fun with her, and in her own way - she reminded me to go for what I want. To stop dawdling and do stop waiting around. Something that has always been very hard for me.

So, this leads us to now.

We have always wanted to adopt. We talked about it early on, and if we had been further along in our marriage (and had the money!) when we lived in Korea, we probably would have adopted then. Over the years, we have brought it up, but it was never the right time. We were getting ready to move, or there was never the money, or a thousand other excuses both justified and unjustified.

The past year we have gone rounds and rounds over the same issues:

Are we too old?
Are we too set in our ways?
Is this really the right thing to do?

But I guess the bottom line is that we really want to be parents.

So, we are beginning the adoption journey.

This week I found an agency who can help us with the home study. I am still filling out the paperwork, but we are hoping to turn it in this week. This is going to be a long process, and I won't bore you with all of the details. But as I am telling a few friends, I am getting such wonderful feedback, I thought it may be helpful to tell all.

We love you all so much, and hope that you will wish us luck!