Inventories and the Lack There Of

I am still not quite used to living in the Midwest. We have been here 3 years, and it looks like we will be here for a while longer. We have made peace (somewhat) with that. It is only the beginning of March, and the extreme weather is beginning to worry me. Tornado sirens going off in the middle of the night, news reports of towns being destroyed, lives being lost, houses and memories - gone.

The next one could hit us, or our neighbors - our friends.

We have 17 years of stuff. Things that we have accumulated over time, with many moves and many memories. We have been weeding through some of these belongings, but there is still a LOT OF STUFF.

I need to do the following quote by William Morris much more artistically, and hang it somewhere in the house!


This past weekend reminded me that we have not done a full inventory of our household goods - ever. I realized that even if it seems like a herculean task, I need to it. And I think no matter where you live, everyone should do it! Tornado, flood, hurricanes or robberies can happen anywhere.

So, I looked at all of the different apps that Mac has available and found 2 that are going to help us inventory the house. Home Inventory Database and Librarian Pro. I probably could have just used the Home Inventory Database, but I decided it might be a bit easier to inventory the books with Librarian Pro.

And I have a LOT of books...

This is a picture of the bookcases in my office. Unfortunately I don't have a wide lens, so I can't get the entire shelf in view. Patrick cut off a few inches of one of the bookcases so that I could put them together on one wall. I really love having a wall of books. I just wish that the shelves went all the way to the ceiling! As you can tell, my books are a little crammed in here.

I still need to finish organizing the books, and I will... one of these days. Perhaps after I'm done with the inventory of the house.

Then we have 4, count them 4 bookcases like this one, 3 are mostly cookbooks, the fourth is cookbooks and other STUFF.



This is a close up view of 2 of the shelves, and some of my favorite cookbooks.



I wish that I could tell you that these were the only bookcases and shelves filled with books, actually - no I don't. I love my books. But they do become rather boring after a few pictures, and I don't want to bore you.

Now, I suppose I should go and continue on. If you need me, for anything in say, the next year - I'll be here, with crossed eyes and inventory on my brain!

Wishes and Dreams

Ever since I can remember I have thought I would be a mother. Those who know me, think that I am a mother to them and everyone. I know that I worry enough about those that I love for that to be true.

Bear with me, and this stilted little narrative...

I can't believe it, but I began babysitting when I was only 11. Just a few days, here and there. However that changed pretty quickly. Soon after, I had a part time job of watching a family of 3 children several times a week. I am amazed now, because I'm not sure if I've met a 12 year old who could deal with that much responsibility. And I don't know if I would trust them as much as I was trusted then! I watched Ross, Jean and Susan for almost 2 years - watching them grow, and missed them when I stopped watching them. I have many really great memories with them. I made snickerdoodles so often for those wonderful kids, I got sick of them, and haven't made them since! I haven't thought about those in years, but I may have to make a batch! Here is a link for a snickerdoodle recipe that looks about right.

Once I became old enough to work a "real" job, I didn't do any babysitting, but I still loved playing with all of the kids that I came in contact with. I would spoil them as rotten as I could! My friend Beth had a daughter, Jessica and she would bring her into my work so that I could play with her. She spent most of the time in my lap teething on a chunky necklace I wore at the time.

Around this time, my friend John and I went to a Metaphysical Fair they had in Seattle. I stopped at a booth that seemed interesting to me, where a woman would take your hands in hers and without speaking, concentrate for a few moments. Then she would draw a picture of what she learned from you. I was intrigued and wanted to see what she might have to say about me. So, I paid $35 (which was a lot for me at the time!) and she held my hand, then proceeded to draw a picture of a mother and child. John turned to me and said "Wow. I could've told you that!"

I didn't watch children again until after Patrick and I were married, and we had moved to Seoul. We were newly married, and broke as can be. At that time, it was difficult for spouses to find jobs on base because most of the jobs are held for foreign nationals in order to foster good relations with the host country. So, I started babysitting again. Soon I was working full-time for one of my husband's co-workers. I watched Shannon and Erin for about 6 months, and cried when they were transferred. I still can hear Erin's voice as I got out of the van as they were going to the airport "I go with you Jennifer..."

It was enough to break my heart.

Patrick and I started trying to get pregnant, soon after we moved to D.C. in 2000. When it didn't happen right away, we were disappointed, but we put on a happy face and went on with our lives. We kept thinking "If it's meant to be..."

And the years just kept flying by. We never wanted to do anything invasive, so we just kept trying. I was sad. Hell. I think some days/weeks/months I was crushed. We transferred to Italy, and nothing. We transferred to Norfolk, and nothing. He retired from the Navy, and we moved to St. Louis and nothing. We spent a lot of time trying not to talk about it, because talking about our lack of a family hurt too much.

Friends would have babies, and I would be happy for them, but there was always this niggling thought in my head "Why not me?"

There would be stories in the news about child abuse and neglect, and I would get so angry that someone who is blessed with a child could do such horrible things. I would think to myself "It's not fair."

Over the years, I have been lucky to have had the opportunity to play and love many of my friend's children. Unfortunately not as much as I would like, since I have been away from most for so long. I have spent a lot of time kicking myself for not being physically close to many of my friends, but I know it just couldn't be.

This past year, I was lucky to spend about 6 months being a nanny to a beautiful little girl, Melissa. I had so much fun with her, and in her own way - she reminded me to go for what I want. To stop dawdling and do stop waiting around. Something that has always been very hard for me.

So, this leads us to now.

We have always wanted to adopt. We talked about it early on, and if we had been further along in our marriage (and had the money!) when we lived in Korea, we probably would have adopted then. Over the years, we have brought it up, but it was never the right time. We were getting ready to move, or there was never the money, or a thousand other excuses both justified and unjustified.

The past year we have gone rounds and rounds over the same issues:

Are we too old?
Are we too set in our ways?
Is this really the right thing to do?

But I guess the bottom line is that we really want to be parents.

So, we are beginning the adoption journey.

This week I found an agency who can help us with the home study. I am still filling out the paperwork, but we are hoping to turn it in this week. This is going to be a long process, and I won't bore you with all of the details. But as I am telling a few friends, I am getting such wonderful feedback, I thought it may be helpful to tell all.

We love you all so much, and hope that you will wish us luck!

Art and what the heck is wrong with Me?

This is one of the beautiful paintings we brought home, his name is Zoltar. It is by Vladimir Ovtcharov.

In the past few months, we've been to two wonderful art festivals. At the end of August we braved the heat and went to the Midwest Salute to the Arts. We had so much fun, walking around and looking at all of the beautiful things. I enjoyed talking to the artists, and dreaming of what I could take home, if I had an unlimited supply of money! We did buy two wonderful pieces from husband and wife artists Vladimir and Daniela Ovtcharov, as well as several prints from various artists.

Vladimir and Daniela Ovtcharov create these wonderfully fantastic pieces,
and we spent what felt like several hours trying to decide which pieces to bring home.
We really wanted all of them, but our pocketbook wouldn't allow that!
This is a link to the other piece that came home with us:
Bubbles in the Forest.

I found this quote from Daniela, and really love it.
Through my paintings I want to force people to imagine and fantasize. I want to free them from the mass culture and societal cliches that have been put on them. The darkness and obscurity can not be removed, but with a single candle can be lightened. The art will save humanity, eventually.

Then this past weekend we went to the Strange Folk Festival.

This beautiful piece is by Aunia Kahn.

Although I saw many, many things that I wanted to take home with me, I was a good girl and only bought one thing from the artist Aunia Kahn. There is a funny little story behind this. When Patrick was still working for the government, he was training a man named Russell. He came home and told me all about how his wife was an artist, and how we needed to get together with them. Unfortunately, soon after that, Patrick switched jobs and we never did have dinner. So, here we are wandering through the festival, and I stop to look at these beautiful pieces, when all of a sudden Patrick is talking with someone - Russell! We didn't get a chance to talk much because they were so busy - which was wonderful, but we did purchase one piece, and hopefully will get together with them soon!


Needless to say, all of this art has had thoughts and ideas running through my head...
For some reason, and I do not know why, I have been fighting with myself for years. I have always done calligraphy and other "artsy-fartsy"stuff, but have never truly thought of myself as an artist. It's strange, I have always loved art, and wanted to be good at it, but never thought I could.


This is my journal- my Morning Pages that I've neglected for much too long. I put the saying in calligraphy on it to try to remind myself just that!


I never really even tried, for fear of failing, for fear of not being good, of not being perfect. And I sat here this morning trying to figure out where this perfection thing came from, where this fear of failure came from...
I don't know.

But I do know that even the small craft projects that I did with Melissa made me feel good.
I loved all of the simple things that we did - the painting, the coloring, the creating.
I remembered that I enjoy creating things. So, it's time for me to unshackle myself and let me be
ME.

I haven't been in a long time.

I wrote this string of thoughts this morning and thought it describes me quite well -
Me. What is that? What describes me?
Eccentric, naive, street smart, brainy, flighty, off the wall bat-shit crazy, overly nice, overly bitchy, artsy fartsy, slightly pompous in a Frasier kind of way, foodie, avid reader, struggling perfectionist, homemaker, knitter, mom to the world, a want to be domestic goddess, a good listener, a too loud talker...

It's been awhile...

Whenever I say that I have the fabulous song from Staind going through my head....

Anyway...
It has been way too long since I've sat down in front of the computer and written anything. I realized when I opened up the computer today that the last time I wrote - there was probably still snow on the ground! Now it is almost fall and I'm so excited because Autumn is my favorite season. I love everything about it. I love the leaves changing colors. I love baking bread and soups. I love the smell in the air. I love wearing sweaters. I could go on and on, but I won't bore you. Well, any more than I normally do!

I have spent the past 6 months being a nanny. It has been fun, crazy and trying at times. But it has become quite apparent to both myself and her parents that she really needs to be around kids her own age, so she is starting preschool. I am so happy for her because I know I gave her everything. She is 3 1/2, and can recognize all letters, and should start to read soon! She has begun looking at signs and lettering and reading out the letters. But she needs to be around other kids to learn how to socialize with other children - the give and take that is needed in life, as well as the structure that a school setting will provide for her. I will miss having a friend to play with, but this is the best thing for her.

As for me?
Well, there are a ton of things that I want to do. Write, knit, draw, paint, study... That's just a few of the things I would like to do! I also want to update this blog much more often!